I started a new position in November 2019 and it came to a halt in August 2020 when I was informed that I (and a colleague) had been taken off of the unofficial marketing team and placed onto the official marketing team. I started the newer position the second week of July 2020 and it’s been a bumpy ride ever since. Long story short: They completely revamped my position and keep adding new shit onto my plate (no new money, though). I’m annoyed with how abrupt this transition was and by how this office operates (it’s such a weird environment). Anyways, I thought it would be therapeutic to write about it, so here’s the first post!
December 9, 2020
I wrote this in December hours after having my six-month evaluation but I never posted it. I could say that I forgot to post it but the truth is, I felt too exposed and too uneasy about the moment to post it.
My supervision asked me, “How are you feeling?” several times during my check-in/evaluation meeting today and instead of saying, “I’m fine,” I told her the truth and I couldn’t stop telling her the truth. I told her that I’m still adjusting to being removed from a position that I had interviewed for, accepted, and enjoyed doing to a position (and a new department) that I did not choose to work at. I told her that I find it difficult to do my job while being micromanaged (that seems to be the office’s culture and not her fault), and I told her that I don’t know how to manage and produce content for an account that I’m not allowed to manage and produce content for. I also told her that I don’t like the office’s environment, which is pretty ironic since we all work remotely. Granted, my thoughts were all over the place and I didn’t say all of this to her in an organized or concise way but I think she understood me.
I don’t regret being honest but I do feel uncomfortable; transparency is so uncomfortable. When I told my mother that I think I should have lied she promptly replied, “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay to tell the truth.” I know it’s okay to tell that truth but is it okay to tell the truth at work… as a Black woman… During a pandemic? Is it even okay for me to publicly share this?! “One-in-four adults have had trouble paying their bills since the coronavirus outbreak started,” according to a 2020 Pew Research Center survey. I’m lucky to be alive, healthy, and financially secure at the moment. I know that. I also know that my thoughts and feeling are valid, so I don’t feel too bad about sharing this. Shoo, I was literally snatched out of a position. I have a right to be annoyed.
I couldn’t articulate why I hate this job a few weeks ago but this evaluation brought me clarity. I hate this job because I don’t have any autonomy, a thing I’ve always had in my previous positions. I’ve always felt trusted and respected at work but I don’t feel that here. Here, I feel like an intern. My work is constantly checked, I have to seek guidance before doing simple tasks like sending a newsletter, and I’m constantly reminded to do weekly tasks even though I do them without being prompted to. It’s insulting and infuriating.