My relationship with money has always been dictated by fear; the fear of not having enough of it and the fear of not being able to maintain access to it. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been hyper aware of how much money I have, what I need to do with it, and that I have to be responsible with it. This hyper awareness began in high school when I was challenged to find creative ways to stretch my weekly $20 allowance — no, wait, it goes back further than that. I just recalled a purple password-protected journal that I used to hide two dollar bills and a Susan B. Anthony coin in. “Don’t spend them. They’ll be worth a lot of money some day,” my dad told me. Fast forward to 2015, the year I got my first “big girl job,” to 2020 through 2021, the year the world stopped, and I was saving like a mad woman. I thought I was setting myself up for financial security, but I was actually setting myself up for saving fatigue.
Saving fatigue, which apparently isn’t defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary, “refers to the feeling of being mentally exhausted or overwhelmed by the process of saving money, leading to a decline in effort or motivation,” according to Google’s AI. By the time 2021 rolled in, I was one job down, burned out from working two jobs (four years straight), and completely unmotivated to save money. I remember thinking, “I’m saving all of this money for a rainy day but what about today?” I was tired of working to save money and I was even more tired of feeling like I didn’t have enough money. While we all could benefit from more money, especially us New Yorkers, I was making enough to live comfortably and shouldn’t have felt like money was tight. The problem? I was over saving and mismanaging my funds.
If, after paying all of my bills and subscriptions with a monthly income of $200, I had $50 left, I would save the equivalent of $40 to $45, leaving myself with $5 to $10 to do whatever I wanted. That’s a grossly exaggerated example but you get the point; I was doing too much. As you can imagine, this habit left me feeling extremely uncomfortable, disappointed, and discouraged. I never had enough “fun money” from one check, so I had to save up to have fun and… well, that wasn’t fun. I eventually began treating my credit cards like my personal Klarna, telling myself it was okay because my paycheck was steady but I quickly learned that a steady paycheck ain’t ish to a credit card that’s constantly being charged.
It’s easy to look back on all of the silly mistakes (choices) I’ve made and harp on the shoulda woulda coulda’s, imagining how different things could be if I would have made better choices but where’s the fun in that? Life is one big “choose your own adventure,” so I’m choosing a new adventure. I stopped using my credit cards and started prioritizing saving a reasonable (lol) amount of money each month. I’m not an expert but I feel like I’m finally getting the hang of budgeting and I’m excited to continue seeing results. I’m locked in, babe. 🙃
EnShanté 
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